"Oh didn’t you know, my kid can walk on water!" "Tommy would never say the f-word; I don’t even know where he would hear such a thing?" "Hi Mr. Carr, this is Mrs. Anderson, I was wondering why Jen doesn’t have a grade from last week, and I know she did her project because I did it for her." "I think when Johnny was throwing clay in the room; he was just trying to express his feelings." If you are like me, you are so glad its summer right now and you are so happy you don’t have to talk to a parent that feels their child can do no wrong. During this last school year I really had a tough group of over protective parents that seemed to live their life through their kids; my big question is what am I going to do with them?
One of my worst experiences with a student happened this year. During one of my classes a student of mine would always ask an inappropriate question. The first 20 times it was just silly, but by the 30 time it became very irritating. Now I know this student was probably looking for a way to get some attention and was just going about it wrong, but it had pushed me over the line. Finally one day during class I just told her that we were all going to ignore her every time she made an unsuitable comment. Well this obviously made her mad, and she felt that she should give me the silent treatment. Well to my disbelief, one of my best students in class told her that she didn’t have to listen to me when I asked her to sit down. I was absolutely floored. I kept my composure and asked them both to stay after class. Well I started off with the student that had been making unsuitable comments all year and told her if she didn’t change her ways during class that she would do her artwork in inschool suspension for the rest of the day. The other student, who was a better kid, I asked her who she thought she was making comments like that in front of the whole class. I then told her it was unacceptable for her not to be finished with her artwork, and that she had some growing up to do if this is how she was going to treat her elders. Well I thought that was the end of that whole situation. Boy was I wrong. That night I got a call from my principal asking me about the whole situation; luckily I had another teacher around when I was talking to both of them. Apparently the parent was absolutely appalled that I would be so cruel to her daughter. Well I agreed to the sit down, and by sit down it was really like walking into a gangster movie. I started off by giving my story to the mother and basically saying that this will not be tolerated in my classroom. I thought she would see my side and move on. Well she disagreed and basically called me every name in the book. She said that, “I’m nothing more then a big bully, who gets a laugh out of picking on her kids.” This was my worst experience ever with a student and parent. What could I have done?
In a recent article that I read called, “Dealing with overbearing parents,” it said that overbearing parents mean well, but sometimes parents can add an unbelievable amount of stress to the learning process. The article labeled these parents as, “helicopter parents.” A helicopter parent is one who hovers over their child. They analyze and worry about everything that their child does, and schools struggle to accommodate them. This is totally what we are dealing with. One of the ways to handle parents like this is to
-Allow the parent to air all issues in a parent-teacher conference after school.
-Try to figure out the all of the parent's concerns before assigning work.
-Make sure major assignments come with project sheets with detailed instructions.
-Talk to the principal for support. The principal can try to make the parent feel comfortable and try to reassure the parent about the safety of the school and the quality of education the child will be receiving.
-For field trips, allow the parent to organize them. This will keep overbearing parents busy in a productive way.
-Send home weekly grade sheets and write quick notes in the student’s agenda book.
-Deal directly with the student about problems before calling the parents.
One of my worst experiences with a student happened this year. During one of my classes a student of mine would always ask an inappropriate question. The first 20 times it was just silly, but by the 30 time it became very irritating. Now I know this student was probably looking for a way to get some attention and was just going about it wrong, but it had pushed me over the line. Finally one day during class I just told her that we were all going to ignore her every time she made an unsuitable comment. Well this obviously made her mad, and she felt that she should give me the silent treatment. Well to my disbelief, one of my best students in class told her that she didn’t have to listen to me when I asked her to sit down. I was absolutely floored. I kept my composure and asked them both to stay after class. Well I started off with the student that had been making unsuitable comments all year and told her if she didn’t change her ways during class that she would do her artwork in inschool suspension for the rest of the day. The other student, who was a better kid, I asked her who she thought she was making comments like that in front of the whole class. I then told her it was unacceptable for her not to be finished with her artwork, and that she had some growing up to do if this is how she was going to treat her elders. Well I thought that was the end of that whole situation. Boy was I wrong. That night I got a call from my principal asking me about the whole situation; luckily I had another teacher around when I was talking to both of them. Apparently the parent was absolutely appalled that I would be so cruel to her daughter. Well I agreed to the sit down, and by sit down it was really like walking into a gangster movie. I started off by giving my story to the mother and basically saying that this will not be tolerated in my classroom. I thought she would see my side and move on. Well she disagreed and basically called me every name in the book. She said that, “I’m nothing more then a big bully, who gets a laugh out of picking on her kids.” This was my worst experience ever with a student and parent. What could I have done?
In a recent article that I read called, “Dealing with overbearing parents,” it said that overbearing parents mean well, but sometimes parents can add an unbelievable amount of stress to the learning process. The article labeled these parents as, “helicopter parents.” A helicopter parent is one who hovers over their child. They analyze and worry about everything that their child does, and schools struggle to accommodate them. This is totally what we are dealing with. One of the ways to handle parents like this is to
-Allow the parent to air all issues in a parent-teacher conference after school.
-Try to figure out the all of the parent's concerns before assigning work.
-Make sure major assignments come with project sheets with detailed instructions.
-Talk to the principal for support. The principal can try to make the parent feel comfortable and try to reassure the parent about the safety of the school and the quality of education the child will be receiving.
-For field trips, allow the parent to organize them. This will keep overbearing parents busy in a productive way.
-Send home weekly grade sheets and write quick notes in the student’s agenda book.
-Deal directly with the student about problems before calling the parents.
Boy this seems like a lot of work. I know it’s important for us to keep in good relations with parents, but parents have got to realize that we have more then just their child to teach. Their child might also make some mistakes, and they will have to face the consequences for their actions. In another article I read called, “Parental Involvement, how much is too much,” it talked about how colleges have reported that parents have been completing applications and essays for students, parents choosing colleges and majors for their kids, parents faxing daily updates to the college, and parents threatening lawsuits for various reasons.
I think we are living in a crazy world right now. I think we need to stop looking to our youth as the problem, and start looking to the environment they were raised in. Are we raising a generation of pansies? How are they going to continue on and fight the problems of tomorrow, if their parents can’t do it for them? Parents need to step back, and allow their child to fix their problems on their own!
I think we are living in a crazy world right now. I think we need to stop looking to our youth as the problem, and start looking to the environment they were raised in. Are we raising a generation of pansies? How are they going to continue on and fight the problems of tomorrow, if their parents can’t do it for them? Parents need to step back, and allow their child to fix their problems on their own!
Westley,
ReplyDeleteBeing a teacher is becoming more and more difficult. Some parents view their kids in a different light than everybody else does. Some kids will do anything they wish, because they know mommy and daddy will take care of them.
I have had to deal with some difficult parents. Several have tried to test me to see if I would backdown from the punishment. Once they realized I was not going to let their son/daughter get away with his/her behavior the situation got better. (thankfully)
Sounds like you did the right thing in a tough situation.
Chad
I, too, had an ugly situation at a basketball game where the mother and the student's older brothers got so heated with me that I (supervisor) ended up having to call the police and have them removed from the school. What stress! Then the parent wrote a letter to every member of the school board about me and how awful I was.
ReplyDeleteI just think that the pressure that parents put on their children is unreal. I found in a study that one of the reasons students plagiarize is because of the added pressure from home to do "the best".
I sympathize with your situation. I guess I chalked up my situation to "experience" and tried to let it go.
It seems like no matter what we do at school, as far as disincline is concerned, will not mean anything unless it is reinforced at home. At my elementary school we have a saying for those “helicopter parents” we say that they will deserve the teenagers they raised. The idea that their child can do no wrong and that the teacher is actually at fault for what ever happen in class is spreading. Unfortunately, there is not a lot that we can do to fix the situation. I liked the recommendations you set forth in your blog but it seems like a lot of work just to appease over bearing parents.
ReplyDeleteMy first year teaching in Alaska, I felt like I was in a gangster movie as well. Here I thought the meeting had been set up to discuss this student's grade (an 11%!!). I could not have been more wrong. The dad was in full military dress and refused to sit down, he only paced back and forth in front of the door- talk about intimidating. The parents quickly dismissed the low grade because I made them read a lot and "he doesn't like to read." Instead they attacked me for being a racist. Yep. Sounds really funny to me too. To this day I do not know what their motives were. I suspect they weren't happy with my interracial relationship. Anyway, after they had their fill of "first year teacher main dish" they left. I waited until they had turned the corner out of the office before I started crying. The counselor who was supposed to be mediating turned to me and said, "and that's why many first year teachers never make it to their second year." Well, I made it to my second year and beyond, but I learned one lesson-- I will never agree to a parent conference without and administrator present. I also know that if a conference gets out of hand again I will simply say, "This discussion is over. When you are ready to revisit the topic in a more adult manner, please call the school office to set up another appointment."
ReplyDeleteI have had a few learning experiences along the way as well. In kindergarten... I set up a home/school visit before school starts. The parents and I discuss the child and any concerns they may have before entering school. I also take this opportunity to ask parents when they want to be notified and what action they would like me to take for certain behaviors. It's kind of a "brown nosing" approach, I know...if I have to stick my nose up a few to have a great year-so be it, I just want to teach and help my students succeed. I have my own set of rules and consequences that still remain. I also jokingly tell them, "If you don't believe what they say about me...I won't believe what they say about you" Yes, I say it in a joking manner...but for some reason, it seems to eliminate the he said/she said arguments. I know meeting at the beginning of the year would be unnecessary for those that teach upper grades. The one on one just works well prior to having our whole class "night before kindergarten." The tension is gone, I don't see parents off in the corner whispering anymore, and it seems to be a more collective atmosphere. My advice...always beat the students to the punch. It might be a pain to run to the phone after school every day, but "problem" parents get mad when they feel they have been left out of a decision or their child gets "short changed" somehow. If confrontation arises between the student and teacher or a student and another student...notify your principal and call home. For one reason or another, we are no longer trusted to "manage" classroom situations on our own. Parents that tell you to you face to do whatever you see fit...are sometimes the ones that are most likely to cause problems. I have learned to choose vocabulary words carefully when addressing student behavior and ask questions instead of making accusations.
ReplyDeletePersonally the most difficult parents I have had to deal with were parents who were teachers in the school I worked in. Both thought their sons could do no wrong and had no problem blaming me for the issues that were occurring in class! The mind-bogler is, I wasn't the only teacher having issues with these students, I was just the most vocal about not feeling like I had to put up with their crap. Whenever one of these parents would try to start something with me, I found it most effective to turn and walk away. They weren't professional about it, instead of setting up a meeting as a parent should do, they would go off on me in the hall or in the library. And, it didn't help that the administration was pretty much scared of them.
ReplyDeleteI parent once emailed me to say that I needed to be more of a "TEACHER" to her daughter and less of a friend. I emailed her back (blinded by my rage, of course) and told her she needed to be more of a "MOTHER." This may not be one of the most shining moments from my teaching career but it sure makes for a good story. Since then, I've put another 4 years under my belt and cooled off a bit. I still get incredibly upset at crazy parents. I've found that time helps. The longer I am at Wahpeton, the more well known I am and that helps. First year teachers are like fresh meat to parents. I don't know that there is anything we can do about these helicopter parents. I feel like part of what I can do is to be a better parent myself and lead by example.
ReplyDeleteI feel like an old man when I say something like this but, back in my day kids were held responsible for thier work and if they didn't do it parents didn't blame the teacher they blamed the kid. It seems like nowadays parents think of thier kids education as a negotiation. They think that they can come to the teacher and intimidate or bargain thier way to less work or a better grade. Not only does this get teachers like us ticked off, but it also does nothing for the kid. What is going to happen when that kid goes out into the real world to make something for himself then tries to have his/her parents bail them out of trouble? I would like to hear the conversation between a boss and an angry parent. I bet thier outcome is a little bit different than the politically correct parent/teacher meetings.
ReplyDeleteThe problem we have these days is the system. The administrators are afraid of the student/parent and no body want to tell them the truth. Parents and students like teachers that will not tell them the truth. These days a good teacher is seen as some one that can give reward for “what you are suppose to do “.If the system is not improved now, in 5-10 years there will be a lot of problem, because we teacher can be beaten up by parents and even students. Let us be the teacher not a friend because this is where the problem starts.
ReplyDelete